Sunday July 22, 2012 around 3:30am (yeah I know, I can’t sleep)
First of all let me repeat as I have in the past when I write things, this is basically for my own mental health and I really don’t give a damn if you like what I write, how I write, or anything about this, if you don’t want to read it, don’t.
I have had a lot of random, or perhaps not so random, thoughts lately. Me having sinus problems and not feeling well may be the culprit to some of my more depressing feelings, or perhaps not..who knows!
I have been thinking about and reliving in my mind many things lately from my youth, and from early adulthood. Thinking quite a lot about friends that are no longer in contact with me or in a few cases no longer alive. I’ve been feeling rather lost lately in the world, that is a somewhat unusual feeling for me, I generally do not have that feeling, in fact I can remember only one specific other time feeling this way and that was one of the years when I lived in Michigan (I’m thinking year 3 so 1995).
That year I was going though a lot of changes mentally and spiritually and was hurting greatly by many things at the time and of my past that would not stay buried, I won’t delve into what exactly or who or why, but I had to face a lot of hard realizations that year and well I had a hard time accepting facts of life so to speak. Oh I have been through hard times before and since but that summer was a real low point and I’m starting to feel that way again. The circumstances are different this time but some of the same feelings are there and I think some of the older feelings and issues I had then have crept up or at least reared their ugly head to remind me of the past, maybe it’s for the best that it happened to have those feelings return, after all I was able to snap out of the doldrums and pull myself up by the bootstraps, move forward, not look back, but look forward and other silly sayings you can insert here…
Anyways, I am at a pretty low point financially, mentally, spiritually, you name it, its low! Music has always helped me figure things out and come to terms with things I have to deal with etc. I am finding it difficult at this time to have that have any effect on me, which again, is unusual, so I am trying to decide if things are not as bad as they seem or worse since I can’t use the old “tricks” I have used in the past to bring myself out of a funk.
The year I mentioned before in Michigan was different because I didn’t use music and reflection to remove the funk, I used my friends I made while living there, one of my friends (I won’t mention any names) was going through some really bad stuff too, and I think talking with my friend and just.. being there around my friend helped me a lot but also dredged up a lot of issues for me so while this friend was trying to seek comfort from me I was seeking comfort and pleading though silently for help from my friend. I was in a difficult spot mentally, I’m generally a realist and well I was not living in reality that year and it took forever it seemed though it was a summer or a little longer to dig out of the hole. But I did.
Back to now, I have been feeling a awful sense of DREAD this year, event after event though small have really started to add up to a lot of problems that are getting larger rather then smaller, its one of those 2 steps forward, 10 steps back kind of deals, this month especially has been rough financially just about everything that can go wrong has gone wrong and I am having to choose what to pay to fix and what to leave until later. Not much hope right now of digging out of the hole I am in, in this regard anyways. Mr. Murphy and his law are in full effect.
Which brings me to my other feelings, every time something happens of late I just hit rock bottom mentally, its like mentally being knocked to my knees with every hit instead of taking a small punch and keeping on your feet, its just brutal. There is a saying, a real cynical saying “no good deed goes unpunished”, man that is the truth for me this summer, I try to help people and I got nailed in the head with a sledgehammer of crap, time and time again. Things that should be simple turn into a massive ordeal, things that I am told are true turn out to be completely false, I have to pay to have something done or repairs or whatever and pay the bill only to get one in the mail that’s 4 times more then I was lead to believe, its just been nonstop of the other shoe to drop this month plus, I’m tired of the other shoe dropping on me, ENOUGH with the shoes already!
Medical bills from my parents are insane, we are told it will cost this much and Medicare will pay this amount, so we pay the amount invoiced and then once again in the mail we get a bill 6 times the amount owed, no explanation other then it was reviewed and Medicare will only pay so much now, just you must pay this bill, if you don’t pay this bill it will be deducted from their Social Security at the governments discretion in part or in whole, they can barely afford to live on what they make now, so we pay the bills we were given then the mail arrives and WHAMMO, eating vienna sausages for the next 2 months or longer just so they can well, live, and it isn’t just medical bills, everything has been that way! And God help you if you call a billing department now days and try to work out a payment plan, you are treated like SCUM, even though you have never owed these people and always pay your debts with them on time, PAY NOW SCUM OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES! I understand these people in these companies and agencies hear sob stories daily and most are lies but you know there is a payment record they can check before they decide you are lying scum… It’s almost too much to take, really.
I was relaying the info about medical bills to a good friend of mine just today (well Saturday since its like 3:50am now) and their answer was when Obamacare comes into fruition you won’t have all those medical bills for your patents you know.. really? Are there people out there STILL that naive and people who just don’t get how horrible government run health care will be? You people who think that crap is going to be good and usable and affordable need to talk to someone on Social Security/Medicare and see how wonderful and affordable the treatment they receive now is, or talk to a Vet about how great some of the Veterans facilities are. You would be shocked! Disgusted! Dismayed! Amazed!
Well I guess that is all of my rambling for now, I may write about what else is bothering me or maybe I won’t!